And Then I Got Sick
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| I was stricken with a powerful malady. |
| Mr. Nurse Practitioner was no damn help at all. Oh sure, if I was feeling anxious and couldn’t sleep nights owing to some childhood trauma he could hook me up with the right meds to regulate my seritonin levels, but a sore throat, fever, and stuffy head laid him low. Fine. |
| So I had to miss out on the Saturday whaling expedition. Linda and Hafiz were nice enough to film an instructional video (using Hafiz’s way-cool, but soon to be replaced b/c it doesn’t meet his exacting standards, digital camera) explaining the habits and practices of several whales using stolen, er, borrowed figurines (acquired when the tour leader wasn’t looking). It was just like being there only with more pizza. |
| Speaking of food, I had to stop eating because of my sickness. When I explained this to Hafiz a look of genuine concern spread over his face, he thought a bit, and then replied “You must really be sick then.” |
| Yes, yes I was. I felt like I was letin’ the team down. You see, a trip to Huda’s is pretty much dominated by the thought of the next meal. All events are planed either with the express purpose of getting food or with the understanding that eating will immediately commence after said activity. So when I said I didn’t want to go out to eat with Huda and Hafiz owing to the fact that swallowing caused extreme pain, there was an extended waiting period where they thought I might come to my senses. |
| Or maybe they’re just slow to get moving. It is a Huda family trait -- Huda’s older brother being the acknowledged king of the pushing back of the departure time. In one memorable incident we agreed to leave in a half hour only to have Adam disappear into the shower 30 minutes hence. |
| So, if I was sick, what did I do during the rest of the week? Those of you who were around for Jik’s Tour of the Southwest (an epic adventure in 5 parts featured elsewhere in this site) know the answer: Video games and lots of ‘em. Huda made the mistake of introducing me to “Delta Force: Land Warrior” and then had to wrestle the keyboard out of Jake’s hands so as to use his computer for the rest of the week. Actually, Huda made a pretty good co-pilot as I worked my way though this unbelievably right-wing game. Quote: “The New Dawn believes that the United States together with the IMF and the World Bank are attempting to undermine indigenous governments and impose a new world order.” |
| All right New Dawn! Where do I sign up? |
| “You’re mission is to invade the their island complex, eliminate any hostiles, and terminate their leader.” |
| Oh right -- I’m on the bad guys' side. On the other hand, the U.S. military has many, many cool weapons which allow me to kill lots of vaguely ethnic “terrorists” in surprisingly realistic ways. Although the bit where they cry for their momma whilst crawling through a trail of their own blood seemed a little much. But don’t worry, Jake and his often sleepy navigator overcame their politics and love of human life to make the world safe for capitalism, er, democracy. |
| I did get out of the house to see a few movies: The Heineken Commercial Featuring Halle Berry’s Breasts (sometimes referred to as “Swordfish”) and Moulin Rouge. Of the first I can honestly say that there’s only two reasons to see that film. It also commits the mortal sin of bad movies by having a ridiculously promising beginning in which Jon Travolta talks about how Hollywood only puts out crap these days. Did they realize the Irony of this statement? I’d like to believe so, but the creators also cast 6 foot 2 hunk of man Hugh Jackman as a computer hacker. Maybe I should remind readers who don’t keep up with the new releases that Mr. Jackman is buff enough to play Wolverine in the recent X-Men movie and so it was mildly hilarious to see him strut around during his “hacking” scenes. I really thought no movie could more egregiously misrepresent the computer hacker than Sandra Bullock’s 1995 opus “The Net,” but I was wrong. Apparently computer hacking involves 7 monochrome monitors, dancing around while typing, and oral sex. |
| As for Moulin Rouge, I wasn’t prepared for the over-the-top silliness of this film (I had somehow missed the fact of the director having done “Strictly Ballroom”). But somewhere in the midst of all the profound absurdity the movie won me over. The melding of pop songs from the last 5 or so decades was done stunningly well (Watch for the old Argentinean love song). I started humming along with Madonna lyrics, for Christ sakes! What can I say? It was hopelessly romantic, and yet, utterly lovable. I’ll probably see it again. |
| I saw one more film during my week stay in Seattle. A film I had seen years earlier as a child of, say, six or seven but had not thought about since. Yet there it was, lurking as a reminder of dark period in world cinema. The year was 1973 and the world just didn’t know what to make of those angry black fellas in America. The celluloid response to this social unrest was what came to be called “Blacksploitation.” |
| The piece of cinema I am referring to can only be: “Live and Let Die.” Reeling from the departure of Sean Connery and the mediocre response to “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” (quick, who played Bond in that one? The answer is at the bottom of this page) the James Bond crew decided to try something risky: Let’s put lots of black characters in the film and make them all bad. |
| Controversial, indeed.
Here's some sample dialogue: "My name is Bond, James Bond." |
| If you haven’t seen this “gem” lately, it’s almost comical the way Harlem is portrayed. There’s a scene where every back guy Bond passes on the street speaks into a microphone to relay the “Honky’s” position to “Mr. Big.” Really! Even the shoe-shine guy (Underdog would not approve) had a transmitter in his case! There was one “good” brother in the film, a C.I.A. agent who was on screen for about five minutes. |
| Other than that, Pigment = Evil. “Mr. Big” uses a psychic to help him predict Bond’s movements, but she is played by Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (did you know that the doctor used to be a hottie? Me neither.). She’s a mistress of the occult and native of the Caribbean, but she’s a white woman!?! Well, she becomes sympathetic eventually and therefore must be white. Plus, James Bond sleeps with her. |
| What’s even more hilarious is the two (!) commentaries featured on the DVD go to great pains to avoid the question of race except to say that some were uncomfortable having all the people of color portrayed as belonging to one big organization out to get whitey (Hmm, did I hear you mumble “Bourgeois fear of the Black Panthers”?). But since there is no further mention of this “discomfort” I assume that these nay sayers were promptly fired and had their houses burned to the ground. |
| I almost fell out of my chair when, later in the commentary, I heard some limey or other try to claim that they were advancing the cause of racial equality by showing the darkies put one over on Bond while he was in Harlem. Nice to see that Big Lie theory is alive and well. |
| All the eating, singing, killing (virtually), and watching had to come to an end. On Thursday, June 14th 2001, Jake flew back home to the 92 degree weather of his sweet home, Chicago. Take care everybody, Jake |
| Oh yeah, Huda wrote a pretty scathing email reply to all of this nonsense -- to read it click on his smilin' face. Or you can scroll down for the answer to the James Bond trivia question. |
It was George Lazenby